Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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