I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
