It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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