I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
