My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
