I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
