"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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