I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
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I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
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Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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