Just fell off a train. Bad.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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