There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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