i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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