im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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