He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
