You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
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just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
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You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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