how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Randomize
