her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
