5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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