I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
