I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
