What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
