i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
