She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
