If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
