Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.