So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
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You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
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Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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