____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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