we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something