we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I know her cup size but not her name....
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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