I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
