I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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