The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
