Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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