I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
