the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
