Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Pants 0. Shit 1.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
