Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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