i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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