my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
