your parents love me but you hate me
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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