did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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