Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
