I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
