If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
