I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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