GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
