Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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