I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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