that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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