Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
