omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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