If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
