why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
