I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
