I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
