the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
