Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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